A Bittersweet First Mother's Day

Last year I wrote a piece about all the thoughts and feelings I had on Mother’s Day as a woman longing to be a mother. If you are interested in reading, you can check it out here. At the end of the post I talked about how much can change in a year and maybe by the next year I might finally be a mom.

Well, I did finally earn the title of mother for Mother’s Day this year. But this first Mother’s Day for me is not like anything I expected.

Grieving on Mother’s Day

We experienced our loss in February and for the most part, we have more good days than bad. But this is the first holiday since our loss. And since this is a holiday specifically celebrating the honor of being a parent, it brings a lot of emotions back up to the surface.

I would have only been about halfway through my pregnancy. But by that point, we would have learned their gender, started to feel them moving, had been discussing name choices, planning portraits and decorating a nursery. This weekend would have been a time to celebrate what was coming. A new chapter in life. Instead I’m stuck thinking of what might have been.

A Season of Waiting

We are moving on to try again and hopefully have a successful full term pregnancy soon. It took some time for my body to heal from the miscarriage and also go through some testing before trying again. Now, we are starting from scratch with fertility treatments.

The way my cycle fell on the calendar, we may have been successful this month, but I won’t know for a couple more weeks. So, we are unsure if there would be anything else to celebrate this weekend. And that is thinking of the best case scenario. We could be in this waiting season for many more months. Only God knows for sure.

Not Feeling Worthy

Many of my friends have made comments reminding me and others who have experienced loss that we are all mothers who deserve to be celebrated today. But I really have a hard time believing this day is for someone like me. My husband asked if I wanted him to do anything for me and I couldn’t give him an answer because I don’t know what is the right thing to do.

I was only pregnant for about 6 weeks. I didn’t even get a first ultrasound photo. Not having that tangible memory makes it all the more difficult for me. I knew they were there, even if it were only for a short time. But I struggle with feeling comfortable being celebrated on Mother’s Day because I haven’t experienced everything else motherhood encompasses.

And I won’t even get started on what heartless people on the internet have to say. It’s one thing for a woman to not feel worthy of being celebrated. It’s cruel for anyone to tell a grieving mother that they aren’t really a mom. There also always seems to be a competition. I’ve seen people say you aren’t a real mom if you only have one child. I don’t know where these people get the nerve.

Still Something to Celebrate

It is a good thing that we are capable of having multiple emotions at the same time. While I am sad for me, I am happy for so many I’m connected with who also will celebrate their first Mother’s Day this year.

I’m also happy to celebrate my mom and other important women in my life. So, I will do my best to make it a good day for everyone.

How to Support a Grieving Mother

I can’t speak for all women, but I feel really awkward when anyone asks me how I’m feeling or how I’m doing with the holiday coming up. I don’t like having people come up to me to offer support or condolences or anything like that. Even from my parents and family. I hate it. Especially when they want to have a full conversation about it.

For me, a simple “how’s it going” is enough for me. I have a list of people I can reach out to if I need to. But I really need to be the one to broach the subject. If not, I just want to end the discussion as quickly as possible. I have always been like that.

Other ladies will not reach out and they need someone to come to them. So, it is just important to know your friends and family and know how they communicate. Regardless of the situation, just let them know you are there for them if they every need anything.

Include Them Too

Again, I can’t speak for everyone, but most grieving moms would like to know that they aren’t forgotten. Even if they don’t feel they fit the demographic for the holiday, having people wishing them well can make all the difference.

The Day Of

I really do not know how I am going to be on Sunday morning. I could wake up and be excited to start the day. It’s going to be raining really hard, so we will be staying home. We will likely stream church service and have brunch. Then, my mom gets her gifts. We will have steaks for dinner and a special cake I made for my mom for dessert.

But I could also wake up feeling dread and sadness. I might just want to stay in bed all day and be left alone. Unfortunately I do not believe there will be a middle ground in this situation. But I can certainly hope for the best.

This is one of those situations where it will never get easier. I just have to learn how to deal with it better. The only way I can do that is with time.

A Positive Note

I don’t want to end this with a dreary tone. This is supposed to be a happy day for so many. But, I am a pragmatist and these are real thoughts and feelings that I am having. I hope that there are many out there who read this and realize that they are not alone. It is important to understand that it is okay to be sad. But we cannot allow that sadness to take over our entire lives.

I am posting this early because I do not want to ruin anyone’s day.

I hope all the moms out there have a blessed Mother’s Day! I hope you all get celebrated the way you deserve whether you have 10 children, only 1, or angel babies. I look forward to seeing all the handmade gifts and breakfasts in bed!

Happy Mother’s Day!