Mother's Day: Maybe Next Year

**This was originally posted on May 8, 2022**

Today is Mother’s Day and as a woman who longs so much to be a mother, it is a bittersweet day. I want to make this a good day to celebrate my amazing mom. But I cannot help but feel the sting of still waiting for my time to be a mom.

Then, with the way the news cycle has been the last week or so, I’ve seen so many out there who don’t understand nor appreciate how important and rewarding it is to be a mother. It just makes all of this just so much more painful.

Three Years In

This is the fourth Mother’s Day to pass since my husband and I have started trying to start a family. We got cleared to start trying by our PCP in April of 2019. We have been steadily trying for just over three years now. That first Mother’s Day to follow, I knew it was unlikely I could celebrate. But with every passing year it gets more and more sad that I haven’t seen that second line on a test yet.

This year has been particularly hard for me. I am starting to get intrusive thoughts telling me that it is becoming more and more obvious that it just won’t ever happen for me. And that is putting me in quite a depressive state that I don’t want to be in. Allowing myself into that dark hole will not make things better. But, I am finding myself inching closer and closer to it as time goes on.

Not Taking Away From Others

I do not want to take away from the mothers out there. This is their day. I hope that all the moms out there get spoiled by their husbands and children and they have a wonderful day together. But I and others like me can still struggle. I also don’t want to take away from grieving mothers who cannot spend their day with their children. Then there’s the people who have lost their mothers who could be struggling today as well. Those are other kinds of heartache and I pray for them all.

Just as I do not want to take away from another person’s happiness, I expect others to not discount my pain and struggle on this day. Yes, I am not mourning a loss of a child. But every cycle and holiday I mourn the life I thought my husband and I would have together with children.

What Support do I Need?

I am so grateful to have such great friends who have been very supportive in our journey to start a family. Many people wonder what can be said or done to help women struggling to become mothers. I do not speak for everyone. But for me, it is honestly better to not initiate a conversation about it on days like Mother’s Day. I have sad and intrusive thoughts in the back of my head and I am trying to just avoid them for the day. I want to be present to celebrate with the moms of the world. When someone asks me how I am feeling, it just brings all the emotions to the front. Is it healthy to stifle those emotions? No. But it is how I try to deal with it on days where I need to function.

I know those close to me have good intentions when they bring it up and check in on me. But really, it just makes it worse for me. Again, I am not speaking for all women out there. Some ladies might NEED to talk it out with someone willing to listen to help them feel better.

As for me, the most helpful thing is to be able to distract myself from the situation. Even if it is only for a little while. I would love for a friend to invite me to lunch. Or for hubby and I to just have a day out together.

I am able to step away from constantly thinking about our struggle with infertility and find joy in the other aspects of our lives. Just being able to disengage for a little bit helps so much with my mood and my overall mental health.

And when I am ready to share or feel like I need to vent, I just need a friend willing to sit and listen for a little bit. And truly it will be a little bit. I try to not go on an on for fear of being a drag or taking advantage of others.

Don’t Censor Yourself

The info-graphics on Instagram are what threw me right into a whirlwind of emotion today. That was not the intention of the artists and those I saw posting it. But it did. They recognized women like myself and I just couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. But I’m also glad to see them post what they did. I even shared the images on my account. Even though I am in a bad headspace, that doesn’t mean that the graphic had a bad message.

I’m glad to have a community around me that isn’t worried to share their victories and happiness with me. I work very hard to make sure everyone around me is able to do that even though I might be struggling. Yes, I have some boundaries (i.e. requesting friends not initiate certain conversations), but I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences around me.

That doesn’t mean someone hasn’t said or done something that bothered me. I have several family members who have just announced their pregnancies. I am so unbelievably happy for them! But I am also very sad for myself and continue to wonder if it will ever happen for me. I can think and feel both things at the same time. And my sadness isn’t of their concern at all. I would be so upset with myself if my struggles took away from someone else.

I Will Work to Not Self Censor Either

As you are well aware, I am very open about my thoughts and struggles in life on here. But it is different for me when it comes to talking with those close to me.

I am not uncomfortable sharing, I worry that I am annoying people. I have way too many experiences with people in the past that just have no desire to listen to any of my issues. As I got older I realized that those “friends” only wanted to talk about themselves and their issues and would get so annoyed when I thought I could do the same. They could go on for hours about their problems but if I dared to mention any struggle I had, even to just let them know I could relate, they would get upset and call me selfish and self-centered.

Being able to talk about these issues with those who care about me can be so helpful and I need to remember that in those harder days. Like I said earlier, me sharing my heartache does not take away from another person’s joy.

Just Don’t be an Ass

I really have no better way to say it. Don’t be an ass to people. Don’t purposefully be cruel. Do not assume that you know what someone is going through. And don’t discredit their pain because you believe it isn’t as bad as you experienced. Or you think they are exaggerating their experiences.

On the flip side, if you are struggling personally and see someone celebrating anything, don’t lash out at them. You also do not know what they went through to get to where they are now.

It is just another example of following the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It is that simple.

Working on the Optimism

Even though I am struggling with negative intrusive thoughts, I am still putting so much effort in trying to stay optimistic. I have professionals who are still optimistic about our chances to start a family. And if professionals haven’t given up, then neither should I. But it is HARD.

This is Hard on My Husband Too

I am failing to stay away from that dark hole. But I am also failing my husband on the regular. This whole journey is affecting him negatively as well. He is a fixer and he has not been able to fix this for us. He feels like his hands are tied and I have not been able to offer the right kind of support for him. I am too focused on my own mental health that I feel like I have totally ignored his.

The only thing that can help the both of us is to see that second line on a pregnancy test. We have all the tools. We have some of the best specialists in the area working with us. They keep telling us that it takes time and even the most healthy couples with no issues only have a 15% chance of conceiving every month. But that doesn’t give us the hope that we so desperately want. But, we have a couple of chances still that it is possible to be able to celebrate Father’s Day this year.

It is hard, but we still choose to be optimistic every cycle. It takes effort to keep a positive mindset and keep ourselves moving forward.

Leaning on God

This infertility journey has made my husband and I lean on God so much more than we have ever imagined. And I am certainly leaning on Him a lot today. I have a friend who wished me a happy Mother’s Day in faith. She also struggled with infertility, and was eventually blessed with a handsome young man. She reminded me of Acts 10:34 which says. “Then Peter began to speak: ‘I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism'” (NIV). She said because God did that for her, He is able to do the same for me. I pray so hard that he does.

What if He Has Other Plans?

It is absolutely possible that becoming pregnant is not in my future. God might have plans for me to become a mother through adoption instead. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt. We had always planned on having at least one biological child first.

If that is God’s plan for us, we will absolutely move forward with it and be so happy with each blessing given to us. The thing is right now, I am not at peace with the idea of only adopting to grow our family. With all the prayer and thought I have put into growing our family, God hasn’t made it clear to me that I won’t be able to have my own child. Those intrusive thoughts I’ve had aren’t from Him.

If we are to move on to adoption because that is His plan for us, I believe there would be a change in our perspective and our hearts. We would be at peace with the fact that we cannot naturally grow our family.

So, Maybe Next Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a difficult day for me. I’m sure it’s difficult for others as well. For me, this day brings up a lot of sadness and disappointment that I so wish I never have to feel again. But, until that magical day I do become a mother, I just have to continue to put work in on myself. It is a daily struggle to be able to continue moving forward.

My emotions on all of this zig and zag constantly. I even see it in this post. I can feel like I’m in a pit of despair one moment and then the most optimistic person in the world the next. A lot of it has to do with being mindful. I get lazy about things and that is where the intrusive thoughts come in. So, then I have to work to ensure I am not stuck there.

I will continue to work to maintain optimism. So, I will continue to say…maybe next Mother’s Day. There is so much that can happen in a year. So, maybe I will have what I long for so much this time next year. And I will continue to pray that we start growing our family soon.

Conclusion

I do hope that this Mother’s Day is a joyous one for everyone out there. This is a wonderful day to celebrate those special ladies in our lives. Being a mom is a full time job and can be exhausting and emotionally draining at times. But, moms are superheroes that are able to keep going to ensure their children are happy and healthy and that their house is a home to feel loved and safe.

“I wait for the Lord; who bends down to me and hears my cry, draws me up from the pit of destruction, out of the muddy clay, sets my feet upon rock, steadies my steps, and puts a new song in my mouth.”

Psalm 40:2-4

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:24