Just Get Over it Already

January 27, 2023, our lives changed forever.

That is the date that we learned, after almost four years of infertility, that I was finally pregnant with the help of fertility meds and an IUI. That day, along with my wedding day, was the happiest day of my life. All of the frustration, sadness, guilt, self-loathing, etc. just washed away in the instant that I saw that second pink line.

We only had about three weeks of bliss before our world was completely turned upside down. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know the whole story.

Almost a year later, I do find myself still processing all of it and working through the grief and depression it left me with. But I’m not completely tone deaf. I know people are sick of hearing about it.

Only on Social Media

What’s interesting is, aside from talking with my husband, I only talk openly about our struggles on social media or here on the blog. It helps me process my emotions. I actually am able to connect with other ladies with similar struggles as well. And I also do have hopes that my sharing will be helpful to someone out there. It could be showing them that they aren’t alone, or it can offer information they may need for their own research and fertility journey.

I don’t talk to my parents about any of this. Any update they get is if they read the blog. I don’t have my husband tell anyone on his side either. And nothing is told to friends in person. If anyone asks how things are going, I just tell them “they’re going”, and leave it at that.

Surely Won’t Share Now

Over the holidays, I made a post on Instagram that was joking about how I was hyping myself up to be able to write our portion of the family Christmas letter after 2023 being the worst year of our lives. Some family members took offense to the post because in the caption I said that no one cared to know about the bad parts of the year. This is true, no one wants to read about all the bad things that happened to people in a Christmas letter.

In their responses to me, they said that they DO in fact care and that all I had to do was reach out. I was not in the mood to get in an argument with anyone, so I said thanks and let it go.

A few weeks go by and I get a message from another family member wanting to stir things up about the same post. This person has never sent a DM to me in the entire time I have known them. In the novel that was sent, I was informed that they had experienced pregnancy loss as well, but only kept the news within the family. Well, first, we are family and we learned this 2ish years after the fact? And this information was used as a way to get me to shut up and imply that I need to just get over it already. Finally, this could have been a good opportunity for them to have reached out a year ago when I was in the trenches to build a relationship. But there was no desire for that. Just weaponizing their experience to get me to feel guilty for something I didn’t even do.

These family members felt as though they were personally attacked when the post had nothing to do with them.

And if anyone in the family thinks that I am going to be more open to want to talk to them in the future, that won’t be happening. I already didn’t feel comfortable talking with most in my family. This whole ordeal here has made me want to put even more walls up.

Who Should Have Reached Out?

I do not believe that the individual who is going through a trauma, grief, or healing from illness, etc. is the one responsible for reaching out. Some people are able to pick up the phone in those hard times and call a friend to chat. But, with most of the people I know, they just want crawl in a hole and sit there for a long while…myself included.

It’s a lot like those campaigns on suicide prevention when they tell people to reach out to friends because you never know when someone is struggling. You read about family members of those who committed suicide and they all say that they didn’t even know they were struggling. Had they known, they would have done something. I made it abundantly clear that I was struggling…and nothing from so many who claim to be family.

And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, no, I am not suicidal. I am just making a point.

Just Get Over It

When people aren’t able to rationalize their lack of communication, then there’s the “it’s been a year, don’t you think it’s time to move on”? Because apparently grieving has a timeline that everyone must follow.

The good news is that I do know better. I know that it takes time, and I will never fully get over it. We lost a child for Heaven’s sake. It really ought to be something I grieve in some way the rest of my life.

I honestly believe that those who are lashing out the most haven’t allowed themselves to grieve their losses or traumas fully and that is why I bother them so much. Those who think I’ve taken too long to grieve my loss because it was so early also might not grasp the concept of life beginning at conception.

Others Have it Worse

Then there’s always the keyboard warriors who want to remind me that people have worse experiences than I do, so I should just shut up already. Well User58797465451, I won’t be doing that.

Just because someone has a worse experience than I do, it doesn’t take away from my pain. The worst thing to happen to me is still the worst thing to happen to me. That’s just how it is.

Moving Forward

I have tried very hard to not let things take over my entire life and personality. But, I also know that talking about my thoughts and feelings of things helps me move forward and become better. And like I said before, I certainly hope this is helpful to someone else out there too. Infertility, pregnancy loss, child loss, chronic illness in children and other loved ones can become very isolating. I take comfort reading stories from others. I see their strength when faced with adversity and I feel less alone as well.

So, I will continue to write what I want, when I want, and how I want. I am not here to attack anyone. I just share things I am dealing with. Until this post, I never spoke of specific individuals, rather just discussed overall experiences. Even then, the only people who will know who exactly I am talking about are the ones who caused the drama to begin with. If you read this and feel attacked, that is not the intent. But in the future, ask yourself why you feel attacked. Did the shoe fit and you not like it? If so, it might be time to reflect a little rather than lash out.

I have a lot more to say on this. But I know it will get me into trouble. So, I better quit while I’m ahead. But, keep an eye out for more in this vein. I have a lot of thoughts and I know we aren’t the only ones dealing with what I want to talk about next.

Until next time…