Getting to Your Due Date After Loss

October 11, 2023 was our predicted due date for our first baby after almost 4 years of infertility. At our first ultrasound at about 6 weeks, there was no heartbeat. In fact, there was no sac in my uterus at all. So, instead of celebrating a healthy pregnancy, I was sent to the OBGYN ER to get treatment for an ectopic pregnancy.

Thankfully no interventions were needed. But our world just went crashing down that day. It was such an early loss that all I have to prove that it even happened is a couple positive pregnancy tests. No ultrasound photos, no recordings of their little heartbeat. In the days and weeks following my miscarriage, I was an absolute wreck and very angry at the world.

Eventually I was able to yank myself out of that mindset. However, I have been dreading this day for weeks now. I’ve been reading blog posts, looking at articles and going to forums to find ways to help deal with today. There are a lot of great ideas out there that I am sure have helped a lot of grieving mothers out there. But I honestly didn’t see anything really fitting right with me and with our situation.

Feeling all the Feelings

In August it just hit me like a ton of bricks again. I haven’t gone a day without thinking about our little one and what might have been in some way or another. But August is when it hit me that we were getting closer to the day that they were supposed to be Earthside. The day that we would have met them. See who the resembled more. Hear first cries, give first baths and all the amazing things to have with a new baby.

That’s when the scab was just torn off and everything felt like that day in the clinic all over again. And I’ve perpetually been in that state ever since.

I have a friend from high school who had a projected due date just two weeks ahead of mine. She delivered her baby at about 36 weeks. A beautiful little girl. I am so happy for her and her husband. But, it just makes me so sad to have realized that I should have been not too far behind. I could have been able to hold a squishy little baby already. Or, we would have gone beyond the due date and been on baby watch doing everything possible to start labor.

There are just so many what ifs out there that I spend so much time pondering. It is cripling sometimes. It’s so hard to keep from spiriling.

Remembering Our Angel Baby

Even though they were only with us for a few short weeks, they definitely changed our lives forever. We will never be the same…in both positive and negative ways. And we want to do everything we can to remember our little angel baby.

We do have a little memorial piece for them we keep in our bedroom. I look at it every day. My husband and I talk about them all the time as well. While we didn’t get a chance to raise them up Earthside, we will see them one day in heaven. We sit and think about what that will be like.

Still Feeling Hopeless

I might post a memorial post on social media for them as well. But quite honestly, I am not sure anyone cares. My social media community has been so amazing and supportive through all of this. But those closest to us have been radio silent. That has caused an additional layer of hurt through all of this.

Then, we are still struggling to try again. I have only been able to have one other IUI since and it didn’t work. While having another baby will never replace the one we lost, we still want to have our own living children. I was hoping to have been able to get pregnant again already too. I don’t think it would have helped me handle today any better. But it definitely would have helped me feel a little bit more optimistic about the future as a whole.

With the failed IUI and now my cycle is acting up, I am really starting to feel like it isn’t in the cards for us to have children. Some of it could be that I am in such a negative headspace right now with everything. But things definitely are not going to plan. And in this very moment, I just want to throw in the towel. I can’t handle any more heartbreak.

But, I know we haven’t gone through all of our options. I have an ultrasound this week to hopefully try another IUI. So, despite it all, we will continue forward. I will fake it until I make it with the optimism. And that’s really sad for me to say as I have generally kept an optimistic attidude in life.

There are lessons to be had here. I always remind myself of that. I still for the life of me do not see them. But things will all make sense one day.

If I could, I just ask that you pray for us. Please pray for our angel baby. Pray for our peace in any situation that comes our way. And please pray that we may have another squishy baby soon.