My husband and I celebrated 11 years of marriage on July 22nd. I just wanted to hop on here and share some thoughts on all of it.
I was 22 and he was 25 when we got married. He was my very first boyfriend and we met online…while living in Korea. It is one heck of a story. My parents were supportive, but still very skeptical/cautious about the whole situation. His family was supportive as well. But we had people on all sides who weren’t so thrilled with us getting married so young.
We were long distance the entire time we dated and for half of our engagement. We got married four years to the day after our paths crossed on Facebook.
The Warnings
While there was a lot of support in our relationship, we still got a lot of flack from people.
Too Young
A lot of our friends didn’t understand why we wanted to get married so young. They definitely couldn’t say we were moving fast. We dated for almost three years before he proposed. But so many of our peers wanted us to sow wild oats and experience life more before settling down.
They were worried that we would grow apart and have issues later in life. But we both were so ready to start a new chapter in our lives together. And frankly, divorce never crossed either of our minds. That is mostly because if you go into something thinking the worst, it often times becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Not Enough Time Together
Then we had people tell us to live together for a while and spend more time together before getting married. They said because we were long distance, we didn’t have enough quantity time together. While it is true that before getting married, we didn’t have a lot of time actually together, we experienced a lot in our time together. There were deaths in the family, financial issues, going to college, military service, etc. and we weathered all those situations really well.
Marriage Will Be Different
Then, when we were able to express our lack of concern on the idea of marriage, we had people constantly tell us that being married is different than dating. I know what they meant, but the number of times we had someone tell us that was crazy and I wasn’t quite sure what their point was. Yes, we understood that and that is why we didn’t want to wait any longer. We were ready for that.
Now That We’re Married
Now that we are married and have been married for over a decade, we still have people trying to “warn” us of what is to come.
The Honeymoon Period Will End
We had people tell us this right when we got married. And now, 11 years later, we still have people tell us that it is just a phase. Honestly, after this long, I’m not sure it is a phase as much as it is a frame of mind.
Kids Will Ruin Everything
As you know, we have been trying to grow our family for over 4 years now. We have a lot of supportive people around us. But every once in a while we get someone ask us why we even want children. Or if we are worried that children will affect our marriage since we have been married so long without kids.
Honestly, I love that we have been married for so long before having kids. I wish we aren’t struggling to have children. Even if we had kids as soon as we started trying, we were already married for 7 years by that point. We have such a solid foundation that it will be hard to shake it.
Will kids change our dynamic? Of course it will. But thankfully we have been together long enough that we know we make a great team and can weather any storm.
Growing Apart is Inevitable
Then, we get people who can’t help but continue the “just you wait” statements. “Just you wait until you’ve been married 20 years…you’ll hate each other.” What?! I don’t understand why people are like that. The only thing I can think of is that people are miserable and they want other people to be miserable too.
Growing apart does happen in a lot of marriages and other relationships. But there absolutely are ways to prevent that. Focusing on your marriage, keeping your spouse a priority and being intentional with your time together can make all the difference.
You’ve Only Lasted So Long Because You Live With Your Parents
This one is my favorite that I’ve gotten from people. Yes, we live with my parents in a multi-generational household. That is weird in America. But it isn’t for a large part of the world. And my family has done it off an on for generations. It is a great way for the generations to help each other out. The older generation gets assistance in the day to day. The the younger generations get help getting established.
People tell us that we would have been divorced years ago if we were on our own. While it would have been harder for us in the worst of our financial struggles, I can’t imagine it would have torn us apart. If anything, it would have made us closer.
While multi-gen living is beneficial for many, it isn’t for the faint of heart. There is a lot of familiarity with one another and boundaries get crossed a lot. This stress could cause a strain in many marriages. So, we traded one type of stress with another. But, we are making it work. And we are all happy a good majority of the time.
Not Always Sunshine and Rainbows
I usually only mention the hard parts of our marriage briefly. I don’t want to focus on our struggles. But we have had some whoppers in our marriage. There were years of unemployment that caused a strain. Then, our time with infertility has really tested our limits.
Always Choosing Each Other
The best advice I have for younger couples is to always remember that love is a choice. Emotions are fleeting. So, you must make the choice every single day to love your spouse and love them well. Choosing to love your spouse will look different during different seasons. That is why it is important to connect with each other regularly to see how they are feeling and what they are thinking.
It takes work. But it is so worth it.
Thriving Despite the Naysayers
In the early days of our marriage, I would be bothered by people’s negative statements. Several years in, we realized that the only people who can affect our marriage is the two of us. If someone on the outside is causing drama in our relationship, it is because we are allowing it.
So, we have learned to take everything anyone says with a grain of salt. Anything negative just rolls off our backs. IF something is mentioned that resonates with either of us, we do make sure to bring it up in our regular check-ins to see how the other feels about it. If it is something that needs working out, we prioritize it.
Maintaining this effort has made all the difference. And for that I am so grateful.
I have so many more thoughts I want to share. But this post is long enough. So, keep an eye out for more in the future!