I have struggled with anxiety for a good amount of my life. As a kid, it would usually hit at the beginning of every new school year; especially if we had just moved and I was the new kid again. I’d also get it before big tests or the start of a new sports season. It was short lived every time and really manageable.
It really started to hit hard once I was an adult. This is where I learned that my anxiety is triggered by stress. The first really bad go with anxiety hit me right when I was about to start grad school. My degree plan was difficult, and brand new for my university. I effectively failed at the career plan I thought was a perfect fit for me. I was also still finding my way as a wife and working. I had a lot on my plate.
The anxiety was awful. I couldn’t handle going out to eat, going to the movies or even go to the grocery store. If there was too much going on around me, it became so overstimulating that it made me sick. My stress hormones had me in constant fight or flight mode and any little outside stimuli just put me over the edge.
The irony of it all was that my studies taught me how to work with people who struggled with anxiety. But I couldn’t pull myself out of it. It took 2 years to get through it. I was put on an antidepressant to try to mitigate symptoms. But I didn’t handle it well. That was when I started researching on my own what could help me.
That’s where I learned that I needed to take care of myself and reduce my stress. I started back to working out, tried to eat better and supplemented with 5-htp and the anxiety went away for the longest time. I had waves here and there. But it was never anywhere near as bad as that particular season of my life.
Creeping Back In
I've had a good run. It has been almost 10 years since I had really big problems with anxiety. Again, there were some flares here and there. But it never lasted longer than a week or so.
But, now, I’m finding myself back in that pit of anxiety all over again. The problem right now is that the things that helped before isn’t helping now. But that is because the triggers for my stress are different. Before, I was putting too much stress on myself with how I was talking to myself, how I was pushing myself to finish school work, etc. The stress now is coming from fertility treatments.
Yes, I am putting myself through it. I talk awful to and about me. But, I am also taking medications that put a lot of stress on my body. I can do a lot to mitigate how I treat myself to lessen symptoms. But I have to take these medications to increase our odds of success.
The kicker is that I am taking the least “potent” meds out there right now. If we aren’t successful in the next couple of months, it has been suggested that we ramp things up. That has me terrified because I am already miserable.
The estrogen supplement has been helpful on the fertility side. But it makes me constantly nauseous. And nausea has always made me so nervous. So, the nausea and anxiety feed off each other in an awful cycle. Oof…even typing this out has my stomach in knots.
So, yeah…I actually had to step away for a bit. That is how easily I can get myself worked up right now.
Right now I’m taking 3 different medications. First is Clomid and that is to help follicles mature and induce ovulation. I take that for 5 days, Then, estrogen to help my uterine lining. Clomid can make the lining thin which does not create the best environment for pregnancy. Finally, I take progesterone after ovulation. Progesterone helps support an early pregnancy if there is one. Needless to say, all that playing with hormones can cause a lot of stress to the body.
I’ve asked my doctor if there are any other options to help mitigate symptoms. Unfortunately different routes for these meds can make things worse. So, I will just live with emesis bags and try to ease symptoms with B6 and avoid foods that make it worse.
Good News
The good thing is that I am able to acknowledge when something is bothering me and use some of the tools I have to mitigate symptoms to the best of my ability. I know that spending time outside and working out helps. I also know that focusing on a high protein diet helps as well. So, there are things I can do. I don’t feel completely helpless in this. Just frustrated that this is just one more piece of our infertility journey.
World’s Best Husband
I am so grateful for my husband who has been so supportive through all of this. He does still get frustrated sometimes because I am not comfortable doing a lot of things right now. He loves going to the movies and I just can’t handle that right now. When we go “out to eat” that means we pick up something curbside and park somewhere to eat it.
I get so embarrassed when we go to the fertility clinic and get so sick from anxiousness and he’s right there trying to keep me calm. He’s also prepped with the Sprite and emesis bag that I usually end up using every time.
This is all taking a toll on him too. But he still manages to make sure I feel safe and taken care of. For that I am so thankful. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.
I’m not sure what the point is to this post. I just wanted to get some things off my chest. If anything, this is just one more part of infertility that no one talks about. I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling in this way.
So, I hope this is another opportunity to help someone else feel less weird. Because I sure know I feel weird having these issues.