A Year Ago...

It feels like it was only yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once. One year ago today my husband and I were on our way to the fertility clinic for our first ultrasound to see our baby. I was so nauseous that morning and at the time, I thought that was a good sign…and so did the nurse who did my initial vitals for the appointment.

Despite being sick to my stomach, everyone was in a really great mood talking about pregnancy symptoms, cravings, etc. It was a breath of fresh air compared to previous appointments when it was all business to get me pregnant.

The doctor even came in the room with such a big smile on her face. It was time for the ultrasound and we were so eager to finally be able to see our little nugget. It started off just fine with the doctor finding my uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes.

But then her face got really serious and the energy of the room just instantly changed. It was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. Then, she finally said that she doesn’t see anything in my uterus. She said that there is something at the top of my uterus where my fallopian tube connects to it. With some more searching she also noticed a 3 cm mass floating in my abdomen.

That was when she said that the pregnancy was ectopic and I needed to immediately head to the OBGYN ER down the road. My stomach sank. I was so confused. I was finally pregnant. Everything was supposed to be smooth sailing at this point. Getting pregnant was my problem. Staying pregnant wasn’t supposed to be a problem too.

She sent orders and my records ahead of us to the ER and we were on our way. the hospital where the ER is located was still under construction. We had to part in a parking garage and take a shuttle to the actual hospital. We got checked in to the OBGYN ER and started waiting for a free bed to be seen.

It was almost four hours before I was called back to talk with the doctor. They did do blood work in that time. That is when the ER doctor told us that my HCG was at 55. And at 7 weeks along, that isn’t anywhere close to where it should have been. But with that, she said that she didn’t see any need to medicate to treat the ectopic or go in for surgery.

I was told to go home and rest and stop taking my progesterone supplements. That my body will do what is is supposed to in time. If it doesn’t within a few days, then come back to the ER.

Following Days

I officially miscarried on the 18th and it was a week of Hell. I would never wish that experience on anyone.

I went in for a 2 week follow up to get more blood work and another ultrasound to take a look at things. The mass in my abdomen was still there but was smaller than the last time it was measured. The doctor could never tell me exactly what it was, but because it was getting smaller, she wasn’t concerned.

In the two weeks after the follow up, I had another HSG done to check for damage in my only open fallopian tube. Thankfully there was no damage there. But something looked funky in my uterus, so I had to go through a saline ultrasound. Thankfully everything looked clear there.

By April I was cleared to start TTC again. We weren’t able to try another IUI until July. All three IUIs since have failed.

Looking Back

When I think back on that time between finding out I was pregnant and going in for that ultrasound, I think a part of me knew that we were going to lose the baby before the doctor told us.

I remember taking tests every day just to be able to see that second pink line. And one day, it started to get lighter. Some people were telling me that it was possible the HCG was too high for the test to read it. I so badly wanted to believe that. But a little part of me knew that something wasn’t right. All the emotions I felt on the day of my appointment were because my suspicions were correct and I hated that so very much. But there was nothing I could do.

Moving Forward

Still, a year later, I am working on how I can get through all of this. Even with that little part of me knowing things weren’t going well, that didn’t change the fact that I was pregnant, and then I lost the baby.

Forever Changed

This experience seemed to have changed my brain chemistry. And it is looking to be a permanent change…at least for now. I have never felt such a high high and then fall to such a low low so quickly. The anger, sadness, self-hatred, bargaining with God I was going through was like nothing I have ever experienced or witnessed before.

Prior to this, I had only seen Bexar, our sweet dog, die before my eyes. I have only attended one funeral in my life. But to be so close to death without dying myself is such a strange experience. Our baby died inside me and there was nothing I could do to have prevented it despite the fact that I was supposed to keep them safe. These are all emotions that only those who have lost a pregnancy can understand.

If I am ever able to get pregnant again, there will be excitement. But because we have already experienced loss, there will always be that cloud hanging over everything.

Even with all this time, I am still taking things one day at a time. That is all I can do.