2023 Can Kick Rocks...

Every year after Christmas, I always like to take some time to reflect on the year. I also try to hype myself up for the year ahead.

This year will be a little bit different. There will still be reflection. But I definitely have a different perspective in how to prepare for the new year.

Worst Year Yet

It is no surprise for me to say that this year was the worst of my life.

With the loss of our baby, followed by more testing and continued infertility after filled our year with trauma, grief, stagnation, and constant disappointment in our circumstances.

We tried. Lord knows we tried to keep a positive outlook. But with every step forward, we are shoved several steps back.

We tried looking for a home church with no real luck. We streamed from a local church for a while trying to get an initial feel for it. But I just felt like we were going through the motions…that if we do what was right and good, we would get a reward.

And with that thought, we no longer even streamed services. We both feel so far away from God and have no real way to get closer without feeling like frauds.

More Failure

I shut down my self-hosted website this year. No one read the blog. There was no traffic and any hopes to monetize were lost.

Obviously i’m still writing. But after almost 4 years, I had to give up on the idea that it was going to help bring some cash into the house. I also had to give up on the hope that I was going to be able to write something profound enough to resonate with a large audience.

I also never got the chance to make my cook book I’ve been wanting to do for years. I keep talking about it, but it just never came into fruition.

More Loss

In August we had to put Roky to sleep after almost 3 years of living with cancer. He was just so tired. We did the right thing,but it was still an awful experience.

And with his death, we officially were able to say that we lost a baby and euthanized two dogs in 12 months. Bexar died in 2022. But he died almost exactly 11 months before Roky.

With that realization, I think I lost the remainder of my optimism.

Not All Sad

2023 is home of the worst day of my life. But it is still the home of one of the best days of my life. Finding out I was pregnant after almost four years of trying was truly magical. And while that happiness only lasted for a few short weeks, I will cherish them.

We also got to bring home our sweet Abby. And that little pup has helped heal my heart in so many ways.

And of course, my wonderful husband has kept me sane through all of this. He is struggling to with everything. But he still manages to be my rock in everything.

While I complain a lot about not having what we want in life when we want it, we really have been blessed with such an amazing marriage.

Not Going to Dwell

I know that there are people out there with worse struggles than my own. But the worst thing to happen to me, is still the worst thing to happen *to me*.

But I do know that I need to not dwell in all of this. I can’t get stuck in the negativity. But what I’ve failed with in the past is trying to force positivity.

What I need is to be pragmatic about things. Things aren’t as bad as the voice in my head wants me to think. But they also won’t get as good as how I want to artificially make them to be.

Looking into 2024

I’m not sure if I would say that I am jaded. But at least for right now, I know that I am not going to be doing what I have in years past. For 2023, I was trying to will it into being the best year and it blew up in my face.

I always used to try to hype myself up for the new year. Always optimistic and forcing joy upon myself. All of that to just be disappointed again and again.

So, for 2024, I am metaphorically strapping in. I’m putting on a helmet and every bit of protective clothing/padding I can find and be ready for the worst case scenario.

This is because we can’t force good things to happen for us. God's timing isn’t our timing. And we are put through tests and storms to make us grow. I know all of this. And that is why I refuse to exhaust myself spinning my tires anymore.

I feel like I may yell “may the odds be ever in your favor” when the clock strikes midnight on Jan 1st. Especially when thinking about the global events happening in the new year. Of course if I spend too much time thinking about that, I will be completely overwhelmed.

Sounds Unusual

I know this isn’t how I always sound. I also know that there is nothing really uplifting about any of this. But I really am tired of always feeling like I have to put a positive spin on things.

The Year of Pragmatism

So, while I am going to work hard to not make the same mistake as years past, I also don’t want to become a complete pessimist. So, I am going to embrace a pragmatic perspective.

I will hope for the best. But I can’t just will it to happen. With how the past few years have been, I know that I will be stepping into 2024 cautiously and do my best to roll with the punches.